This is something Iām only just recently coming to understand has been a lifelong source of interpersonal problems for me, and omfg it seems so fucking omnipresent.
Why does everyone get so mad when I ask why/how about something?!
I learned a few years ago that sometimes people feel judged by my questions (???), and so Iāve tried to super, ultra sugarcoat them. Iāve tried even harder since getting medicated for ADHD, because I have the mental space now to preface my carefully stated questions with assurances that I am only trying to understand, not indict.
It doesnāt feel like itās getting me anywhere, and Iām starting to wonder if itās an unreasonable expectation? Is it silly to think that questioning motives or reasoning could ever be non-offensive? It doesnāt bother me to explain my motives or reasoning - fuck, itās a fucking relief, please oh fuck let me explain - but I know Iām NotLikeOtherGirlsā¢
This happens most when the person Iām asking has no good answer - itās like my asking ābut why?ā makes them realize there was no reasoning at all, which wasnāt the smartest course, and then feel guilty about not thinking it through.
That is never what I expect to happen - I donāt ask why if I think thereās no reason. If Iām asking, itās not because I think youāre stupid, itās because I think Iām stupid for not catching on. I respect you and your judgement, so if youāre doing something that seems confusing to me, I assume thereās a good reason that I just donāt understand yet, and I really really want to understand!
Iām just hoping to get clued in. I genuinely keep thinking there is some reason for whatever confusing behavior or action. I am just asking so I can get on the same page.
The very act of asking is unfortunately not giving me any answers; it seems to be antagonizing instead. āI donāt have a good reason and fuck you for making me admit it!ā ???!?
Anybody relate?
What do?
I donāt think its silly or unreasonable to expect people to take you at your word, assume good faith, and try to explain what they meant, especially when you are offering explicit prefaces reassuring them itās not a judgement of them. I donāt even know if Iām ND really, besides being depressed, but I still run into this pretty often.
Itās going to happen sometimes, and you probably just have to drop the questions and try to work around it in those cases, and just guess at what they might be thinking, but I feel like a lot of this can be avoided by asking different questions or keeping your reassurances vagueā¦ If you say āIām not judging you, I just donāt understand what you meant by Xā, itās just going to plant the seed in some peopleās brains that youāre judging them. So maybe sticking to āI just donāt understandā and leaving out any specific references to judgement, etc ?
You are so right, and this is something I forget a lot. Thank you for reminding me in such a compassionate and gentle way ā¤ļøš¤ā¤ļø