a lot of people pointed out, that it is not other peoples beer to define you.

i’d like to add: it might be helpfull to try out different expressions. are you happier when presenting fem? or masc? or do you find peace when expressing as neither (or both)? whatever that means in detail. does it change over time?

i really had to deduce from that for years. back then i figuered i was probably enby. i didn’t like being a man but also was afraid of identifiying as a women. i didn’t even adopt the nb label, bc i felt like an intruder.

only later i started to develop a feeling for myself. while still not sure where i’ll end up. but def transfem! so i identified as that, when i found out. the exploration only intensified after that point, but it wouldn’t have happened, had i not allowed myself to play around first. i also had a lot of internalised transphobia to overcome, to get to a point at which i allowed myself to want to express a certain way.

so for me this holds true: doing gender > contemplating gender

that sounds like a good plan. :)

for me, there is no other way of finding out if someone is really into me, other than 3 years of psychoanalysis. ;)

…

though this thought experiment is rather dark. with my current mind in a 16 year-old body, i would not want to hang out with 18 year-olds.

this would mean either isolation or a lot of pretending. also: imagine getting a second chance and the pressure of doing it right this time!

transition. kiss that guy i was into, who was into me. (whatever is easier will be first.)

good luck! :)))

i didn’t go on diy either (would’ve been faster… buuut something held me back).

but since my uncertainties and questions weren’t endocrinological in nature and they weren’t about wether i wanted hrt, i figured i’d need more expiriences from other trans people. (what you are doing here) i pretended binarity at first, just to avoid questions i’d better discuss somewhere else.

“lying to your doctors” to me and in the most general perspective and under ideal circumstances sounds like a bad idea. (someone else pointed at that too) but be honest about the dosage, side effects and genetic risks to your endo, not about your overthinking. ;)

good luck! :)

i can only speak about uncertianty and “trial”. i was in deep denial for years, while also finding opportunities to crossdress.i live in a queer community for almost 15yrs (am now mid 30s), so none of that was ever a problem. it was only the wedding of my closest friends (1.3 years ago), that pushed me over the edge. i felt ugly weeks in advance and couldn’t find a fit for the occasion. i felt wrong in this highly gendered context (suits&dresses) i couldn’t express myself, couldn’t exist. even though i was surrounded by good (queer) friends. i realised a day or two later that if i had to play a role i wanted to play the fem part. i realised that i always disliked my male features. i actually thought that every guy i was with didn’t desire me because of my male features but despite them. (i constructed heterosexual men out of gay guys)

so. t had to be blocked (we are 2 days after the wedding, 2 a.m.) that wouldn’t do a lot but prevent worse. also, having estrogen instead would be better for the bones. that was my initial thought. i framed it as a aesthetic neccessity. i would come to terms with having boobs more easily than with the beard in my face, and i survived that a long time.

1-2 month in, i found that my mind worked better on e. anxiety and depression started to go down quickly. i was surprised, it did more than just change my look. now that there’s visible breast growth i realised i really wanted that too. at this point they are still easily hidden/overlooked so i coud still stop. but i don’t want to. i realised i needed them all my life to look more fem.

i really only realised that, when i saw myself in the mirror 2.5 month on hrt. with a new fit. with my tiny breasts.

try it. you might be just as surprised as i was. or just stop. :)

i learned early to be careful with officials. “yes sir/ma’am i want all of these effects.” i voiced my concerns only in transfem groups. none of them knew the notion of not looking forward to having breasts, but they understood that i could have a desire for femininity without knowing how i feel about having boobs. initially i didn’t tell my therapist, even though he is trans himself. i feared anyone who had power over me would ever say something like “maybe you are not ready then”. i wasn’t ready for full feminity. but i was absolutely done with masculinity.

IC-practioners shouldn’t be a problem, yeah. but do they need to participate in your decision making?

at this point, i might go for claves. no harmonics needed.

yup i’ve read about the math behind this. thing is i do not know what any of that refers to in reality. it seems totally arbitrary to me. yet i am supposed to hear a 5th. (note that i studied the most abstract shit for years. abstraction is not my enemy.) my plan is to expose myself to this using any instrument, that’s easy enough to learn, until i understand.

i tried guitar now for a few days. rn i doubt this is gonna work out. my ellbow and shoulder hurt and i still get no fingerposition that works (i.e. enough pressure, on only one string per finger).

keys are maybe the better choice since you can at least see the relations, and i dont have to wrap my arm around a stick but i doubt, that i will sit in front of a keyboard regularly after 8 hours of work …

idk i need to cry maybe.

don’t give them nazis more ideas plz. they already have [gereric rationalization for their shit].

i love that!

i was just thinking about simple melodies, that people know, and remember. probably popcorn (yt link) isn’t in the canon of music schools?

i gotta say, reading music theory is hard for me bc i do genuinly not know what ‘a note’ is. rather than ‘a concept of music theory’. 440 hz is something of meaning to me but “a” is not and i don’t really get why 880 hz should be a again. (i know. its super ‘harmonical’ bc the intervalls fit perfectly. but phenomenologically, in terms of hearing, i do not get, why tradition considers these two different frequencies to be ‘the same note’.)

— in short i feel like i need to know the thing music theory refers to before that can start to make sense for me.

i consider taking lessons, so i guess they will push etudes on me? ;)

that’s encouraging :)

that’s a great idea, i’ll ask for a trial. :)

i guess once i found an instrument that i can play comfortably enough, i could practice before or after work. i’ll see where this goes.

ty for your insights in all of this. i really is that i started playing around with DAWs but i didn’t know ‘what to say’ through those. i hope to speak a little music myself to fix that. ;) i will have a look at tgat specific ukulele :))

yeah i played around with reason years ago, that’s around the time i started keys. you are right, that’s exactly my cup of tea. but i always felt i was lacking an intuition. as if i had only learned to write latin but never actually spoken conversationally. i guess that’s why i feel i need to actually do music with my body.

yeah! 🏳️‍⚧️

and generally the embarrassment of having to tell your teacher you didn’t practice gets you another half hour!

this is litterally how i learned classical greek. maybe thats the reason why i am more fluent in it than in some modern languages i touched.

ty! imight as well have a look and decide by what classes are available in my area.