Iāve been speaking some time with an obviously ND person. Iām not sure exactly what they struggle with, but itās outwardly noticeable as such (kind of stumbling around, shaking, general social awkwardness, sometimes having outbursts). They also have explicit hearing problems.
We were in a larger group making small talk, and they asked me to repeat what I said, to which I reponded, āoh, nothing importantā. They responded immediately āisnāt it the listener who should decide whatās important?ā which I accepted and then did repeat what I said.
Their instant response signaled to me either that they often have the same situation where people donāt want to bother reprating themselves, and/or that they are much more mentally lucid than I prejudiciallly assumed.
Then I thought, isnāt one of the core aspects of social awkwardness that you donāt understand the situation you are in? That you canāt even hear what people are saying? And then if people donāt even bother repeating themselves upon request, wouldnāt you feel that people donāt value you, thus compounding alienation, anxiety, etc? This is obviously where I am part of the problem.
And all this because I donāt like repeating myself, to ND/hearing-impaired people or not. I donāt like having to raise my voice. The prospect of not being able to hear things is not something I ever have had to consider.
Anyone else have experiences like this? Know the view from the other side? Am I making sense?
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Iām autistic and despite not really having hearing problems, I often canāt parse what people are saying. I can definitely say it feels really bad when someone says something, I donāt understand it, ask them to repeat and they brush it off. I understand that in the vast majority of cases, if they say itās not important then it wasnāt, but I also donāt want to miss out on context. It makes it much harder to participate in a conversation actively.
Itās kind of unfortunate since my aversion to speaking (loudly) and repeating myself is ND related as well. We should be comrades but in this particular situation it just doesnāt work out cleanly.
Also, something not being important isnāt even a good criterion for dismissing it. Small talk is per definition unimportant, but itās stillā¦ wellā¦ importantā¦ for social cohesion, even if only because it acts as the glue that binds together tangential topics. If you canāt hear the topic, you canāt use it as a jumping off point.
Right, exactly. Itās part of the reason why I do a lot better over text (especially because it gives me the opportunity to use images to convey meaning as well) than an in person conversation.
you are making sense and i think you have the right of it. personally i have some difficulty with auditory processing in loud environments. itās not strictly a hearing problem, thatās fine for my age, but it does make it much harder to go out and be social since yes, i often find myself having to ask people to repeat what they said.
and i also donāt really like having to raise my voice, so your post makes sense from both sides for me.
but heck yeah, letās be considerate to our hearing impaired comrades!
That you canāt even hear what people are saying?
Just as another side to this, I am autistic and sometimes have trouble processing peopleās speech especially if Iām not, like, expecting them to speak. I often ask people to repeat themselves, sometimes they donāt, and thatās fine.
I hate repeating myself personally. Usually Iāll give it one try, maybe two depending on the circumstance. And then Iām just like ādonāt worry about it, wasnāt that important.ā If itās like the third time Iām asked to repeat myself in one conversation Iāll even be like ānah dude, listen better.ā
Itās one of those things that really isnāt as deep as we wanna make it sometimes. Repeating yourself is annoying, and it really isnāt only on the listener to decide what is important. Do you really wanna tell the same off-the-cuff joke that wasnāt that funny for the fourth time in a row?
Saw this last night and I wanted to give a thoughtful response.
My partner has an auditory processing disorder and I have ADHD. Sometimes he has trouble hearing and/or processing and sometimes and I can ramble or mumble. We are a quite a duo haha. But, in all seriousness, I quite frequently have to repeat myself in speaking with him and I constantly need to remind myself that this is the reality. He also admits that he frequently asks āwhat?ā as a reflex even if he does hear. I think itās a common tic among those with auditory processing disorders.
My experience when I need to repeat something he hasnāt heard and Iām tempted to say āoh itās nothing importantā is to instead rephrase what Iām saying more cogently. I recognize that itās very possible that the reason the thing I said wasnāt heard was my own fault. Not speaking clearly, just blabbering, or just saying the first thing to come to my head. I instead, stop, think about what I said, find a clearer way to phrase it and repeat it. If itās really not important, Iāll usually stick with something like āsorry I misspoke, what were you saying?ā or āI need to think about what I really want to say before I respondā saying something like āoh nevermindā or āforget itā can come off as very passive aggressive, especially in a romantic relationship.
Iāve also learned that this is also a good tactic for people where English is not their first language. Language or processing barriers are not peopleās faults and you can always do something to make things a bit easier for both parties when communicating. Not sure if this is helpful, but I wanted to convey my experience to you.
