bit of a warning but this is a very sad, pathetic and hopeless post. If you’re easily made sad you might wanna sit this one out.
avpd is my own personal hell. Its destroying/destroyed my life. I have 2 “friends” I hardly talk to. Dropped out of college. No real prospects. I was born privileged and have just wasted it. I’m a failure. A husk of a person. I’ve never been on a single date. I’m just sitting here spinning my wheels. And the wheels aren’t really spinning anymore. I’m so desperately lonely, but I just… can’t. I don’t even know how I’d meet people, if I could step out. I’m so lonely, and sad and FUCK being a social creature. What a cruel joke. A social creature that has a fucking personality disorder so they avoid socializing. WHAT THE FUCK. And this shit’s permanent. Its who I am. Sure I can “cope” better but I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING COPE I WANT TO BE NORMAL WTF. I WANT TO BE LOVED AND LOVE PEOPLE AND I JUST CAN’T. ITS TOO DAMN HARD.
suicide
I just wish I could die. I can’t take this. I’m such a waste. Being alive is too painful as an anti social, social being.
don’t worry about waste, most of life in neoliberal capitalism is a waste. fuck you gonna do, work your ass off to put money in some empty suit’s pocket so he can buy another ivory back-scratcher and spend half of the pittance he pays you to be extorted by some leech just to have shelter?
and fuck normal too, “normal” people made this shithole. anybody who ever tried to improve things somewhat had to fight tooth and claw through a reactionary army of “normal” to do it.
there’s no immediate solution to alienation, the only advice people ever have is to go out and deliberately get hurt over and over again. I can’t do it and i won’t tell you to either.
Work a job that can support me
find a SO who loves me 
those things seem quite nice 
What kind of work would you like to do?
Though my specifics are different, I relate very much to the way you feel, and this has been something I’ve been wrestling to get my head and heart around for a while: maybe one of the worst things in the world is how mental health struggles can convince some of the most caring and wonderful people, like you and @FourteenEyes@hexbear.net and I guess maybe even me, that they’re unlovable or failing at life.
I think maybe your heart is a better measure of your worth than your accomplishments as a person struggling with disability in this hellscape. Just surviving is a big deal, and somehow managing to not let all the terribleness in the world and in your life turn you into a selfish, bitter husk is pretty amazing. ❤️
not OP but i haven’t found anything that doesn’t make me hate being alive after a few weeks.
honestly, same - self-employed rn but even this sucks ass because idk how to balance things and just end up hyperfocusing until I burn out, then rinse and repeat
goddamn, I needed this comment, too ❤️ thank you