• andrew_bidlaw@sh.itjust.works
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    82
    arrow-down
    1
    ·
    2 months ago

    Shy anonness was so desperate she tried to ask anon out for a month but felt rejected so hard she moved to China. Press F for a fallen sister.

  • RecluseRamble@lemmy.dbzer0.com
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    71
    arrow-down
    1
    ·
    edit-2
    2 months ago

    Why can’t they just say they want to date you?

    Because direct rejection hurts. An ignored hint only disappoints.

    • qyron@sopuli.xyz
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      34
      arrow-down
      14
      ·
      2 months ago

      Bullshit.

      It’s a social - stupid - standing that states romantic/social/sexual advances must be started by the male part, which automatically relegates the female part to a passive/subdued part.

      If you want someone, be bold. Doesn’t matter how you define yourself either.

      I don’t really care if you are shy and can’t speak or any coping mechanism you may have built to justify your awkwardess. Just try.

      Write a note. Have a mutual friend act as a liaison to help the first step. Write a letter. Blurt out the most incoherent speech you can muster. Then say it all again, only ten times slower. Send smoke signals. Use a parrot or a crow. But try.

      It hurts a lot more to punish yourself for not trying, later in your life. Failure and rejection are part of it. Get used to it. Learn from it.

      • RecluseRamble@lemmy.dbzer0.com
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        21
        arrow-down
        5
        ·
        2 months ago

        I didn’t ask for advice, just answered a question. And despite you thinking it’s bullshit, it’s probably the reason, people are not straight-forward.

        • qyron@sopuli.xyz
          link
          fedilink
          arrow-up
          5
          arrow-down
          12
          ·
          2 months ago

          And I was countering your reply.

          So you try, you get turned down. Does it hurt? Yes. Is it the end of the world? If anyone replies with “yes” that is a serious issue because it is not.

          Getting a “no” for an answer is almost guaranteed. What is there to lose? Perhaps the lost “yes” for not trying.

          • RecluseRamble@lemmy.dbzer0.com
            link
            fedilink
            arrow-up
            24
            arrow-down
            2
            ·
            2 months ago

            You’re missing the point. You’re trying to solve an emotional problem with logic. Your logic is sound enough but won’t help anyone emotionally hurt.

            • qyron@sopuli.xyz
              link
              fedilink
              arrow-up
              7
              arrow-down
              1
              ·
              2 months ago

              You’re right on the mark there: I missed the point, a good number of times, which sent me into a downward spiral.

              It took a good amount of time and help to aknowledge I was responsible for 90% of my suffering.

              • Hadriscus@lemm.ee
                link
                fedilink
                arrow-up
                5
                ·
                2 months ago

                Good on you ! I was never able to overcome this. I was lucky to meet my wife who is just as awkward, otherwise it’s safe to say I wouldn’t have had the courage to ask anybody out until much later in life. I remember a high school classmate telling me more or less verbatim what you said above : “ask, if she says no, so what?” unfortunately that never helped. Some of us were simply too shy, too far removed from social norms, or perhaps too autistic to act on that. Human interactions are a mystery to some of us. In fact, what he said made things worse for me, because it made me realize just how developmentally late I was, and seeing how easy it was for some people to get over the initial apprehension furthered my feelings of isolation.

      • Banana@sh.itjust.works
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        5
        arrow-down
        1
        ·
        edit-2
        2 months ago

        I and my relationship are proof that the quickest pathway to true love is to fucking embarrass yourself. It’s surprisingly human and endearing.

        • DragonTypeWyvern@midwest.social
          link
          fedilink
          arrow-up
          2
          ·
          edit-2
          2 months ago

          Hey, slightly-less-anons, quick note:

          Don’t threaten to rape people when you ask them out. Maybe just leave it at “I likes ya and I wants ya.”

  • festnt@sh.itjust.works
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    29
    ·
    2 months ago

    thank god my girlfriend used to be (and still is) extremely to the point

    we were just walking with our friend group, then something happened that her and i were way in front of everyone else (i dont remember if they stopped or if we just walked faster), and she didnt know how to say it, so she just kissed me on the cheek

    idk if its still possible for someone to misunderstand that. probably is

    • nastim@lemmynsfw.com
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      9
      ·
      2 months ago

      My girlfriend hinted that she liked me by getting under a blanket with me and taking off all her clothes. To be honest, I still wasn’t certain. We’ve been together 13 years.

    • Banana@sh.itjust.works
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      8
      arrow-down
      1
      ·
      2 months ago

      I’m the same way, I’m autistic and assume everyone else also doesn’t get subtext and social cues so I just say what I mean and honestly, when they say 'tism rizz, it just means not being afraid of embarrassment or rejection.

      • Hadriscus@lemm.ee
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        7
        ·
        2 months ago

        I don’t know if I’m autistic but I’ve always functioned this way too. I can’t understand subtext. Things have to be spelled out for me, I never understood why communication shouldn’t simply be as clear as it can be. Experience gave me some clues, though, so I can do the translation myself in some (most?) cases, but I feel it’s never going to be intuitive at all.

        • Banana@sh.itjust.works
          link
          fedilink
          arrow-up
          5
          ·
          2 months ago

          Yeah the only reason I can catch it is years of studying how other people communicate, but I’ve basically stopped masking in social situations at this point in my life. I think a lot of folks find it refreshing when you communicate directly

          • Hadriscus@lemm.ee
            link
            fedilink
            arrow-up
            2
            ·
            2 months ago

            This feels good to read. I’m at the point where I reduce the masking gradually, and I find it relaxing. I also came to realize how taxing it was… I think I can handle being different now, with all that entails

  • General_Shenanigans@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    15
    ·
    2 months ago

    Very similar situation, but in Physics, LOL. My self esteem was so low that I just assumed she was being lazy and taking advantage of me. I KNEW she was smart enough, but she kept asking me for help over and over. I don’t just give people answers, I work through it with them to teach them. Haha, looking back on it, she was probably just enjoying that interaction, meanwhile, I’m stewing inside about how this girl could be so ignorant as to accidentally keep sending me flirty signals and messing with me so she didn’t have to do her work. Funny thing is, I did like her. It just didn’t compute in my teenager brain that a girl would want to talk to me for any reason beyond getting some quiz answers out of me.

  • PM_Your_Nudes_Please@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    15
    arrow-down
    1
    ·
    2 months ago

    The trick is to just find a goth girl with autism. She’s just as frustrated by the Guess Culture BS, and will outright tell you she wants to date. No guesswork involved, because she doesn’t know how to do it.

  • PrimeMinisterKeyes@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    13
    ·
    edit-2
    2 months ago

    One girl sat herself across the classroom from me (we had a U-shaped arrangement) and stared at me all year long. (She also talked to me once or twice)
    One girl who was at the same bus station I was at every morning asked me to share a cab with her… for a five-minute ride.
    One girl asked me what it feels like for me when I’m kissing.

    The third one, even though she was the oldest, seemed insincere and was way out of my league anyway, so I didn’t get the impression that she was after me until much later when a friend clued me in. In the other two cases, I did have an idea, but I wasn’t very much into either of these girls and the second one self-sabotaged her otherwise fantastic move by also inviting two of her friends who kept making a loud mess, so I couldn’t even talk to her during the ride anyway.
    And so it took a long time for me to get a real girlfriend. Too high standards, in hindsight, plus I do have no difficulties with talking to girls, but with talking with girls. Turns out the vast majority is just not interested very much in the science-y things I read and did as a tyke, teenager and beyond. Not even in Hegel.

    • Banana@sh.itjust.works
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      3
      ·
      edit-2
      2 months ago

      Idk if your standards are “too high” if the result is quality over quantity. You just didn’t waste your time with people who weren’t right for you. That’s a good thing!

      I say keep talking about the weird and sciencey shit because although you may not have met a lot of girls that are into that stuff yet, if you self express a lot and do the things you enjoy, you will inevitably meet somebody that likes the same things, and there are a lot of women that like it.

      To be fair I don’t know how old you are. If you’re in highschool I say be patient, the whole world opens up once you’re out and socializing with people by choice and not because you’re in a class with them, if you’re older than highschool, put yourself out there and don’t try to perform as someone else just to get a date because they’ll be attracted to the performance and not you.

  • some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    13
    ·
    2 months ago

    I missed multiple wide-open signals like this when I was younger. But I like how my life turned out, so no regrets.

  • baldingpudenda@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    12
    arrow-down
    1
    ·
    2 months ago

    Fuck, senior year I had a free period at the end of my day so I would walk home early. Come April and high 80s with humidity, I’m losing weight and the heavy ass backpack is making me stronger. One of my classmates, we have lots of classes together, pulls over and offers me a ride home. Several times a week. I’m too shy to do small talk and she’s out of my league. Always thank her and start paying her 5 dollars for gas money.

    20 years later, I’m in the restroom avoiding the damn kids for 5 minutes and realize… Many such cases.

  • MeDuViNoX@sh.itjust.works
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    10
    ·
    2 months ago

    I’m almost 40 and I can’t think of any situations like that. So it’s fairly safe to say I’ll probably never realize at this point.

    • MindTraveller@lemmy.ca
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      19
      arrow-down
      2
      ·
      2 months ago

      Neurotypicals are so willing to disbelieve that the experiences of neurodivergent people are genuine

      • Flax@feddit.uk
        link
        fedilink
        English
        arrow-up
        15
        arrow-down
        1
        ·
        2 months ago

        I was having to ask my friends if a girl liked me because she kept grabbing my hand to hold, calling me cute, kissing my cheek, etc

      • Fedizen@lemmy.world
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        3
        ·
        edit-2
        2 months ago

        I’ve got ADHD; I calls it like I sees it. The laying the head on shoulder seems too touchy to be misinterpreted by somebody without a sensory disorder to touch. Though its not said if this is normal behavior for the person doing it (in which case none of this may be at all flirty)

    • Hadriscus@lemm.ee
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      2
      ·
      2 months ago

      This anecdote seems perfectly normal and relatable to me. I don’t know if it’s autism, but it’s certainly normal

  • Case@lemmynsfw.com
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    7
    ·
    2 months ago

    Longest it took…

    I was in a “study hall” type class in fourth grade. The teacher ran out of material after a couple weeks. So she decided to read The Hobbit out loud to the class while we worked on homework, other quiet activities, or slept. Really, don’t give her problems, won’t be problems.

    I had already started The Hobbit on my own. At the time it was considered college level reading, so not too shabby. So, I continued reading (first time on The Hobbit) and finished WAY before the rest of the class listened. Because duh, a quick mental reader VS a teacher doing voices? No shit, Sherlock.

    A girl who sat next to me (assigned seating) brushed the hair out of her eyes, blinked expressively a few times with direct eye contact, and said I must be “one of those cool nerds;” I suppose because I finished before Bilbo left the Shire.

    It took me until college to realize. I vaguely remember considering her “kinda cute.” I could have, and in the future sure did, worse.