With my first day with real energy in awhile being coupled with two temper meltdowns, (theres been a recent med change I should mention, but every one we have seems to just vacciltate between these two states). I feel like Im just… Im either a destructive ragebeast OR a useless sleepy flop who cant do literally anything.
I really dont want to live. I really dont want t fucking live. I’m so tired of this constant fucking struggle. I cant just have a good fucking day. I’ll never accomplish anything and Ill keep hurting people and i just. Im so fucking exuasted (not literally because i still have energy, just tired of this gbullshit)
I relate a lot and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Nobody deserves what this world puts disabled people through, it’s unforgivable.
pretty doomery rant bleeehhh
Almost every day I feel like I’m watching people I know living their lives at such a breakneck pace, and to such a fullness that I will never be able to achieve. I’m on everybody else’s clock, and never my own, because you see everyone has “important jobs” and I get to “sit at home”. So I need to work around everyone, but most of my energy is spent on keeping my body from dying and doing the most basic administrative tasks, and I’m shit even at that - I haven’t opened a letter in years due to crippling anxiety. But even “friends” who “love me” and call me “family” have no real concept of what being in solidarity with disabled people looks like and no understanding of how fundamentally fucked up disabled people’s lives can be on account of societal abandonment. I have no dignity as a human, I live in a forever prison of daily chores that exhaust me to the point of not being able to treat kindly the people who have supported me the most and it’s shit. We hang out and I’m just fucking moody, everything sets me off, because I don’t have it in me to be a fleshbag right now, much less interact with anyone. And then I get seen as a downer and people don’t care to reach out and talk. Because if a friend isn’t there to give you some good brain chemicals and fuck off, then what are they for
Nobody knows the boundless kindness, passion and creativity in my heart because I’m too fucking tired after spending weeks going in and out of dissociative states between washing dishes and being too tired to move. Why keep going? For an exciting future of chores and exhaustion? Sometimes it barely makes sense and I feel my sanity slipping. chr*stians can’t scare me with hell, because I’ve already tasted it - this world is hell for disabled people.I feel this. Thank you for posting, I feel less alone.
I’m glad my ramblings did some good out there
This was me on ADHD medication so this hits hard
You will find a way. Don’t worry. Focus on you, your health. It will get easier.
If it means anything at all you are one of my favourite posters here and I hope you can overcome this horrible feeling because I’ve been there and it fucking sucks.
Thank you for saying that I’m one of your favorite posters. Felt a little alone today as well.
I’m on ADHD stuff rn too. I think I need it but maybe ive been barking up the wrtong tree all this time and I actually need to drop it who knows. Switching off Adderall to another one did help with my temper a fair bit but, hmm.
Can you talk to your doctor about the adverse effects on your mood? They might be able to tweek the dose or something. Sounds like it might be a common symptom if we both had the same problem, which means it might be more likely that a solution has been looked into.
On a more selfish note, If you do find a solution with your doctor to ADHD meds causing anger, please let me know as this problem is why I don’t medicate.
I’m going to look into it. Ive sent my psych nurse a few emails.
I hope that route works out well, but even if it doesn’t I hope you continue to try
Sorry to hear that. Got a fair bit of emotional dysregulation too. Sucks so much, and feel like no one understands it. People get mad that I wake and bake- but the alternative seems to be wake and just be mad at everything in the world myself. For what it’s worth, your posts usually resonate with me and I’m glad you’re around on this earth
Thank you for saying that.
Ive been going through some medical shit recently that makes me wonder if I’m ever giving to be myself again. Just the feeling of “another log on the fire” type feeling. It’s made me feel a bit checked out and I’m not liking it.
So I feel you. It’s made my fuse short and that sucks for everyone. I don’t have advice. Just know you’re struggle is shared in some capacity. Good days are inevitable, that’s what I try to remind myself.
Be well comrade.
I hope you can find some rest comrade
If you’re one to doom-scroll, you need to set up some kind of block on your phone/PC to prevent yourself from going down that rabbit hole. We are all empathetically drained, watching all of the nonsense on the news/social media, you gotta protect yourself from all of that nonsense :)
On the days you have said energy, maybe read a (non-political or otherwise triggering) book.
Using the energy to learn about the horrors of the world does the same thing to me, and sometimes it’s best to use your good days to be kind to yourself and your brain :)
