I had notions of doing something more intellectual with this post but life is what it is and as such I have delayed my effortpost about The Indigenously Produced Unmagnified Gunsights of Cuba once again. I’m going to talk about music again this time.
Oceanlab was a side project of Above & Beyond and vocalist Justine Suissa, who was also the primary songwriter. Sirens of the Sea was their sole album and it is very, very important to me.
Ok so it’s EDM okay? To be precise it’s some particular style of vocal trance but its singer-songwriter vocal trance. Above & Beyond does this really cool thing where they tend to actually collaborate with their vocalists by getting them involved with the creative process, writing lyrics, production and all that. Now, the lyrics aren’t particularly complex and they won’t impress any pretentious nerds but they resonate with me and that’s what it’s about yeah? Oh yeah and they do acoustic versions sometimes??? which is wild??
I was lucky enough to discover this group twice, the first time was on some lonely night when I was a teen. I came across Clear Blue Water (a single) on Grooveshark (rip), checked out the rest of their discography, thought it was pretty, and proceeded to forget about it for a decade and a half.
I am almost embarrassed to admit just how much Sirens of the Sea affected me when I rediscovered it in the autumn of ‘23. It was like a hug, a cup of coffee, and a sit-down with the Jungian archetype of the kind of woman I admired the most and wanted so dearly to become. The kind of woman who carried empathy, knew failure, was capable of struggle, yet always embraced the love and joy of life. I can’t really articulate how, but this album helped me lay down my grieving for the years I spent otherwise.
My favorite track is “On a Good Day”, and I consider it to be the theme song of my post-transition life. I just cried listening to it, like actually right now, as I write this I still got a little bit of tears drying on my cheek. “If I Could Fly” is a total bop and they did something to the rhythms towards the end of that one and it does really good shit to my brain. “Miracle” is about climate change, it slaughters me HARD because it came out over two decades ago and nothing has changed.
Under this spoiler there are the lyrics of “On a Good Day” because I thought I should include them.
a little bit lost and
a little bit lonely
little bit cold here
a little bit of fear
but I hold on and I feel strong
and I know that I can
I’m getting used to it
lit the fuse to it
like to know who I am
I’ve been talking to myself forever
and how I wish I knew me better
still sitting on a shelf and never
never seen the sun shine brighter
and it feels like me on a good day
I’m a little bit hemmed in
a little bit isolated
a little bit hopeful
a little bit calm
but I hold on and I feel strong
and I know that I can
I’m getting used to it
lit the fuse to it
like to know who I am
I’ve been talking to myself forever,
and how I wish I knew me better,
still sitting on a shelf and never
never seen the sun shine brighter
and it feels like me
on a good day
This is the end of this post. Take care of yourselves. Tomorrow needs you, as does the next day, and every day after.
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DICK = GONE
I mean Cheney of course
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Started replaying disco elysium and I forgot how uncomfortable being Harry makes me feel. I spent enough years being a way-too-drunk, majorly depressed embarrassment in real life. They really did nail the feeling though. Yuck.
a lot of cool games have been made unplayable for me because of their male protagonism, I was pretending to be a dude for too long, I do not wish for it to continue.
Years ago there was someone trying to mod Planescape Torment to have a female protagonist and I scoffed at that at the time. Today I fuckin get it though
Yeah uhhh, the side story with the working class woman and her husband was a major reality check in getting me to stop drinking. Too close to home
piss-go i peepee some
I’ve only ever played the game sober and did my best to unlock waste land of reality for it, it’s such a powerful thought and put into perspective my own decision to stay sober tbh
Trans girl who is completely unaware of how pretty she is and is even hostile to the suggestion she’s pretty is such a stereotype, I dunno why we’re like this
How it feels to get home from a full day and hide in my quiet and comfy room and grind clash of clans hero levels
Also my nips hurt who did this to me
Also my nips hurt who did this to me
uhh
you i think, unless the government is putting estrogen in the water to make you gayI feel like I wouldn’t hurt my nipples tbh
putting estrogen in the water to make you gay
Likely I have been quite gay recently and can’t think of an alternative explanation
Ha, they’ll never get me! I don’t drink water, I inject MCT oil instead! 😈
rare oil based life form, dont tell the USA your location
Ooooh, they’re growing ~
Ooooo that sounds so comfy! I think I might have to do something similar tonight
Wait till you accidentally bump them on a door frame or something, I half doubled over and stumbled over to my bed to
the first time (and a few more times since I’m clumsy). Don’t worry though, the pain goes away with time even while the growth continues. They’re still sensitive for me but nothing like early on.
Is there like a super simple haircare/styling for dummies I can do to make my hair look better that doesn’t require a lot of products tools or steps?
I’ve been grabbing a handful while it’s wet, scrunching it up to my scalp, repeat as desired, and when it drys I get really nice waves/curls. So nice that I think a queer coworker clocked me despite doing nothing but hair and skincare so far.
That plus some expensive conditioner I got as a gift and I’m set
Do you know your hairtype? If its straight hair idk anything. But if its wavy or curly, id recommend a good curly friendly conditioner (i use ouidad conditioner), and a hair oil. For the oil, if your hair is thicker or more bouncy/bouyant you can go for a heavier or normal one, if your hair is lighter go for a lightweight one (i like verb ghost oil).
This next bit will sound like a lot but it goes very fast!
When showering, shower with your head as upside down as you can get it. I just lean forward as far as i can. Wet your hair upside down, then scrunch in the conditioner. Then comb it up/forward (away from your head) with a wide tooth comb. This distributes the conditioner and gets out dead hairs and tangles, plus it moves the hair to be standing upwards relative to your head, giving more volume on the top of your head. Once youve combed, scrunch your hair up on top of your head and wash your body so the conditioner has time to sit. Then rinse your hair upside down again while scrunching water up into it. Dont flip your hair back after this, but keep it down and turn off the water. Scrunch your hair again to get most of the water out. Then put hair oil in your hands and scrunch it into your hair, all while its upside down or hanging forward. You might have to use more hair oil than you think, the one i use says two pumps, but i use 10-20 lol. Now grab a clean long sleeved t-shirt and place the neck part at your forhead. Let your hair fall forward into the towel, and fold it back up over your head, keeping the hair on top of your head. Wrap the arms around and tie them. Let that sit for 20-40 minutes, then undo and let air dry.
I love being trans and making out with beautiful transexuals
that seems a little gay
I’m going to be so for real it was so gay
Things continue to trans along transally. 21 months of hrt and I would say that the character creation gender slider is pretty much right in the center. I’m not out at work and I don’t know how no one has said anything to me. The CIS are truly oblivious.
Literally. I’m at one year and have no facial hair or beard shadow, boobs, noticably bigger ass, my skin is fucking glowing, I’m always wearing girly earrings, and regularly have my nails painted. I don’t wear makeup at work and my uniform is pretty baggy but I’m very surprised no one has said anything.
have no facial hair or beard shadow
I assumed that was pretty big part of my disguise for work. Perhaps I have less to worry about with getting that removed.
mood
Just got a “Anything else for you, señorita?” at the Mexican restaurant in my work uniform fully boymoding lmao
spoiler
Someone called me cute and it made my day, its been a weird day and it was really nice
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you are cute though
I’m agender, and that feels right to me, but what doesn’t feel right is the way people talk to me. I can tolerate it from strangers and from people I don’t respect, but I really can’t shake that even most of my friends (and also my ex) talk to me like a man. Really there’s only a handful of people who talk to me like a person, and I appreciate it every time.
It just feels like my body and my birth name aren’t a problem for me, but every one else seems to have a problem with them.
Me and my ex talked about passing after I cracked my egg and they had for a while.
I really sympathized that they might never pass as “they/tthem” in a way that, for now, wouldnt happen to me. Because I was binary trans, theres a whole script for me, theres a whole societal set up for what being a woman looks like or sounds like or acts like. And I rage against it sometimes and revel with it others - but there isnt the same script for everyone in the non binary catch-all. I guess androgyny?
Maybe it’s a little abstract because agender is a negative identity, defined by absence, but it feels more like people want me to use a script that feels extremely arbitrary and they get mad when I don’t pretend. It took years of talking to trans people just to convince me that gender isn’t just one more layer of neurotypical bullshit, but it still feels to me like people are demanding that I act like a star sign or Meyers Briggs personality type
It took years of talking to trans people just to convince me that gender isn’t just one more layer of neurotypical bullshit, but it still feels to me like people are demanding that I act like a star sign or Meyers Briggs personality type
Love the way you put this.
Like, even when someone is being supportive, sometimes it feels like it brings attention to the fact that they instinctively expect me to follow some script. I appreciate them trying to be supportive, but still…
Tbf, I feel like there are people who just treat me as an individual person, rather than a gender script (maybe they treat me as a genderless AuDHD script, but I’ll take that). Of the 5 people I’ve hung out with this year semi-regularly (excluding parents and sister and other family), only one of them I feels like they think of me as someone who should fit into one of two boxes. Family otoh…
I hope your close friends eventually learn better or you find more close friends who do treat you like you!
Thanks. I’m trying.
Weirdly, I haven’t actually changed friends since realizing I was trans/agender nor do I think they’ve really changed in how they treat me for the most part. Wonder how much of it was me just subconsciously avoiding people who seemed to put me into a gender box or if my neurospicy personality just pushed people away who would also happen to expect me to follow gender scripts or just taught them to not expect that from me.
If I didn’t already have those kinds of friendships, I’m not sure how I’d try to intentionally find them at this point. I’d imagine neurodivergent or ace/aro people to be better on average. But no clue what sort of learning curve to expect for people. Its annoying how common it is for people who barely know to immediately try to put you into their mental “girl” or “boy” box (even if different people will put you in different boxes at the same time). The only person whom I’ve met who immediately put me into a not-boy and not-girl box was a creepy chaser.
Sometimes there is a definitive flavor like for me being transmasc, and also multiple others in addition of agenderness (which is why one could call me non binary but its more than that) because even in the context of this theme I’m still a micro genre. But I guess I feel like everyone has this option really to define themselves how they want / how they experience life, no one is ever flattened to a one-dimensional level in my eyes.
Before realizing that everyone isn’t secretly agender, I thought everyone was flattening themselves as a result of social pressure
Had a big burst of chest growth recently. My tits feel huuuge! Basically the only thing keeping me from crashing out rn tbh
One of my friends asked me how my transition was going out of nowhere and I was so confused why I was being asked this and answered
“Uh It’s fine I guess I inject my estrogen every week idk what kinda answer you’re looking for here”
But turns out they were asking about my housing transition lmaooooo
Someone told me my name was cute (which it objectively is) and I got to respond “thanks I picked it myself”
Being trans is cool
