Today I have selected a little thing I did a while back to share with everyone, Cats of Ulthar a horror story by H. P. Lovecraft. It might look a little weird because I adapted it from an accordion book format, but I think I did a decent job of adapting it.
And also, remember my last mega? Well, I did manage to finish the book, so I’m putting it here for you to download. I made a version for reading digitally, but the main purpose would be for printing, that’s why I stuck with A4 size. I can try to make instructions on how to make the printed pages into a neat book in the future if anyone wants it.
Well, if anyone has any suggestions on other short stories, specially horror stories, I’d love to make them into illustrated books, I love doing this and it’s super fun for me, so I’d like to keep going.
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As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.
Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It’s for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
spoiler
HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST
if you have a preferred week please tell me
Disaster_of_Passion* (1/26 - 2/1) Eco* (2/2 - 2/8) GayTuckerCarlson* (2/9 - 2/15) oscardejarjayes* (2/16 - 2/22) Shaleesh* (2/23 - 3/1) SwitchyandWitchy* (3/2 - 3/8) Wmill* (3/9 - 3/15) * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters
4·17 days agoHello, yeah… can I have… the week of none–none? Thanks /j
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Today is 1 year on HRT. Should probably have some bigger meditations on it but right now I just feel lonely. I really only have two friends, both have actual lives compared to me. I know I ought to just touch grass, meet more people, fill my life up… I just wish I was more important in the lives of people I already know?
I want to be close with people my friend is close with. So when they asked if I wanted to hang out with their loved one, I told them just that. They felt touched by me saying that, and they started introducing me to their friends a little more. I’m feeling like a bigger part of my friend’s life now.
Hmmm… There is the little wrinkle that I’m only out to one of my loved ones and I’m uncertain about mixing those. I think it’s a good idea in the abstract though
If you’re confident your two friends won’t out you, you could figure out along the way who else will also be safe to tell later. I understand though, learning who you can also trust to never, ever out you without your permission can be tricky.
Oh these two never would. It’s just the feeling of mixing those two halves of my life I guess
You don’t have to choose between being in your current friends lives and making new ones, you can do both! And you deserve to do both.
I know I ought to do both, but right now I want more from my existing relationships, more than I want new friends. I guess I should probably just communicate that to them huh
As I’ve learned, if you like/really like/love them as friends, expressing in some way that you do, and that you want to become a bigger part of each other’s lives because you value your time together, is very important. Sometimes people are already looking for people who value time with them enough to want more closeness, and need a sign who of their friends is that.
I realized I couldn’t know for sure if my friend didn’t want the same. Just like you they could desire the same and have any number of their own reasons to not have transparently told you.
Remember capitalism creates atomization that makes people act anxiously distant in their own bubbles. It increases the number of times people think “If they really cared enough to bond more with me, they would’ve insert sign of interest by now.” I wouldn’t be surprised if this has applied to most members of the human race. In retrospect, many people really liked me but I wouldn’t vulnrably show how deeply I wanted more platonic intimacy, and it cost me(and still costs me) close friendships and lots of socializing experiences.
Me with Genie: I wish to have been turned into a cis girl in my childhood.
Genie: that might be tricky, time travel etc
Me: what about instead if all people were nice to trans women?
Genie: so specifically what age in childhood?
I said trans women because I’m one but this joke could be adjusted for all trans or gender diverse people
Whenever I get more than 10 upbears I instantly feel like a celebrity here since there are only like 15 accounts on hexbear
majority approval right therecan i have your autograph mx. famous celebrity?
Sure thing where’s the dotted line I got to sign
cool, you can sign where the arrow points to on this random piece of paper i found
alright let me just find my glassesno need for that, just go ahead and sign already, i can hear sirens in the distance 😅
signed and dated by then tho inflation prob gonna make it less but I had to do itmy ruse!
Yeah, but what about all the people on other instances.
… I should never have been given admin powers, I love looking at the votes.
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What is it like 2 people per, idk I tried applying for lemmygrad but they never got back to me so they don’t matter to me now
Yeah… 1–2 people per other instance.
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big oof, I was just being salty that low…
This comment has like 107%+ approval then? Congrats on the super-unanimous approval!
I can just feel the approval, I got rid of upbears forever ago yet I know this % is true
bottom surgery update final day
Going home! As far as I know everything’s good
Made it home, dilations done! Very exhausted today for some reason, more than during the recovery house. But it is nice to be back in my own comfy bed.
new vagina kinda gross medical stuff, former lover
I had so much sloshing around down there, I kinda knew how drippy life can be when you have a neobagina but its a different thing experiencing it lol. I was scared for half a sec I dehisced or bled but its just everything that hasn’t dried yet coming out.
I dated a girl who went through this and when she got out and sent me pics I remember telling her I thought it was pretty and kinda hot and I meant it at the time, and she returned the favour when I sent her pics. It felt nice, because a lot of this has felt vulnerable and me feeling gross - so it was good to hear that someone out there thought my pussy was pretty. I dunno, we have some weird queerplatonic situationship now and apparently part of that is sending each other vagina pics. Also I booked us a super valentines couples date style outing but I didnt even know when I booked it that it was Valentines 😩, we just both like the thing and thats when I thought Id feel ready and up for sitting that long.
but I didnt even know when I booked it that it was Valentines
Girl forgot the 14th of February
Woohoo! Wishing you a speedy healing from here :)
I got a little label maker awhile back to label bottles I was using for some spice/seasoning blends I was making, but now I just kinda use it every once in awhile to print a label that says “CUTE” to stick on my forehead or “BOOB” to stick on my boob.
That’s the intended use; you’re doing it right.
SHOUTOUT TO MY FAVORITE BEVERAGE @BountifulEggnog@hexbear.net
SHE’S A SNACK
:cat-trans: surprised but thank you
Take care of yourself noggy~~
Thank you, I’m trying
It’s rough out there girl, so don’t be so hard on yourself. No reason to make AmeriKKKa’s job any easier
That’s all that can be done sometimes
The universe must have been listening, cause i got randomly she/her-ed today!!! That never happens! Last time it happened without the person clocking me and stumbling a bit before saying correct pronouns was over a year ago, and god it made my day. It was a really shitty day cause ive reached the point of precarity where i need to apply for the jobs that have a far higher risk of like dislocating my joints (i have bad joints and probably bad connective tissues in general), and that random comment from a guy unloading stuff as i was walking into a store just made my day so much better. I passed for the first time in forever and it made me so happy to just be seen as a woman for once, and not as trans first and maybe woman second. I always get he/him-ed by that type of person, and today i didnt! I just got seen as a woman! I wasnt even wearing makeup, just a fresh shaven face and a simple outfit. On the one hand, fuck passing, but on the other hand, i was seen as a woman without any asterisk next to it or anything!!! Ahhhh so happy!
Got some new glasses today! “You know these are women’s glasses, right?” Hell yeah I do 😎
Nooo you can’t just do that, you can’t buy the “wrong” glasses
women’s glasses
glasses that are allowed to have fun colors and stylesIt’s too late, I’ve seen the truth!
P.S. thanks for the laugh :)
my rambling musing CW transphobia dysphoria destransistion suicide I think it's a lot milder and upbeat than the CW implies but I'm covering those triggers etc
I think it’s fair to say that trans people I’m in contact with online and IRL are doing it hard being trans.
Lately I’ve been getting this headache behind the eyes whenever a problem comes up that is directly connected to being trans. And it feels like it’s daily.
Like I got a complaint at work that I know is transphobically motivated and fortunately my team is good and knows it’s spurious but it sucks.
I lay in bed thinking this morning about what it would take to destransistion. Not sincerely. Just sometimes I like to weigh my options. When things have been bad in the past I’ve done it for suicide and each time I went, you know I don’t want to do that.
The thought made me feel like vomiting. So I guess that’s nice feedback from myself that I’m doing the right thing.
I just wish cis people were chill about trans people. Or fuck treat it like it is the hard work it is. Oh and maybe do something about misogyny while they’re at it.
“Hi Xia you are a normal type of woman and I am going to treat you like a woman, which is good and nice, not bad and creepy. Also great job on being trans I got you a lactose free smoothie”
Basically that please.
deleted by creator
Sex, dating, transphobia
I know this is a crazy thing to login to vent about but here it goes.::
::Holy shit it drives me crazy how many people cannot approach/handle/sleep with a trans woman. I’ve been doing this a long time. I’m hot. I’ve got a sense of style and a physicality and personality that’s magnetic. I’m having more casual sex than most people, statistically.::
::But when it comes time for TME people to cinch the deal, they’ll fumble a tgirl everytime rather than deigning to show explicit attraction to a trans woman. I mean like god imagine if a removed turned me down I might as well kill myself.::
::All this combined with me being a hypersexual kinda scumbag masc lesbian means that I’m constantly surrounded by people who are not making it subtle that they wanna fuck me, but if I ever tried to bring up the subtext of everything they’ve said they would gaslight themselves, then me, then tell all their friends I’m a creepyremoved.::
::Yes I’ve been stood up twice this month. Yes I’m thinking about the coworker who said to my face that “she wished girls had dicks so she could stop dating boys.” Yes I’m thinking of how I’ve been a disposable sex object to every non-trans woman in my life. Yes I’ll be fine and have been fine and I’m sorry
cw kink
Had a very fun impact scene. God sometimes i forget how fun it is. I wish i could get beaten every day but my body cant handle it. And the person i was playing with is so communicative and receptive to me speaking up about my weird broken special care needing body, she doesnt make me feel like im topping from the bottom, she hears me when i say “hey thats too close to tendons” or “hey thats not an ok spot to hit cause my joints are bad”. Feels so safe and so good. I love being a freaky kinky weirdo
bottom surgery stuff
lmao i am so bad at following doctor’s orders it’s incredible. when they tell you “DO NOT LIFT MORE THAN 10 POUNDS” they really aren’t fucking around but i did and finding out sure sucks ass. sitting in the fucking red sea rn ow ow ow
Oh yeah they are not kidding when they tell you not to bust your stitches
bottom surgery update day 7
Got my stent and catheter out!!
It felt WEIRD AS FUCK. Ive never bottomed so this was the first time Ive had anything like that sensation… the stent was fucking massive. We have to start dilating today and the one they want us to use, the biggest one, isnt that much thicker than what I used to be. It looks massive staring at it lol. I have to watch the video on How To Dilate again, I watched it like 2 months ago and Ive helped other girls do it (not here lol, like when theirs was still fresh) so I feel confident but whatever. Ill watch it again.
Pain is a little more than yesterday at the start of the day but with the stent out and more gauze out and stitches out, I actually feel pretty good. With the stent out she looks a little more like a regular vagina, just more swollen and still some gauze around my clitoris.
dilating
It makes me feel like I have to poop wtf
yeppp welcome to the club
its been really great to read your updates, hopefully ill get to journal mine here too in a few years time
bottom surgery stuff
so happy I have a vagina! ♡♡♡♡
vent about misogyny/transphobia
I hate when people tell me my existence is “valid”. Like, wtf do you even mean by that? My existence isnt “valid”, or rather all existence is inherrently “valid” because it is. Saying im “valid” just reeks of “youre performing femininity in a manner that i dont find immediately disgusting or wrong” and just, fuck that so much. Just be honest and use the word “acceptable” or say “comforms enough that i dont have to challenge my deeply held misogyny”, embrace your self-appointment as arbiter of femininity and womanhood and own that youre a gatekeeping asshole.
within above context CW transphobia/ableism
Some cis people I find are supportive of trans people but view us being kind of disabled.
Somewhere between harmlessly mentally ill versus cursed with the wrong body. And it makes them uncomfortable so they say things like “valid” in the way someone who walks despite being partially paralysed is “brave”.
And they struggle when we show joy, humour or just normalcy because we’re aberrant to their world view.
I find my best cis friends and allies are the ones who forget I’m trans even though I’m not passing who will bring stuff up like their period or pregnancy scares or whatever, then realise oh shit and apologize.
But it makes me feel great because they see me as a woman first.
kind of disabled
harmlessly mentally ill
cursed with the wrong bodyHoly shit real though.
Re: the cursed part I think some cis people are like god/destiny/biology has given trans people the body they don’t want and that’s sad and we shouldn’t be mean to them.
But the solution to them is trans people stay sad freaks they pity. They are uncomfortable with cross gender hormones or surgeries. Why do you need that YOU ARE VALID!
This doesn’t just apply to trans people. I have a cis friend who is a bald woman. People constantly say things like “you don’t need a wig, bald is beautiful” and she is like “shut the fuck up I want my hair back!”
100000% the validity stuff isnt just trans, thats just where i personally run into it the most cause, well, *gestures vaguely at body*
same context
I find my best cis friends and allies are the ones who forget I’m trans even though I’m not passing who will bring stuff up like their period or pregnancy scares or whatever, then realise oh shit and apologize.
I want cis friends who forget im trans. I only really have one cis friend. The rest are all nonbinary or trans. And even there, theres always something that makes things difficult (generally around my experience of autism running counter to either their experience of autism or their perception of autism if theyre not autistic). Idk, just feels hard to find people. But ive got people around me, thats what matters.
I’m very lucky that I have some close friends who are cis women who have really just accepted me as another one of the girls. It has helped me to be less intimidated or mystified by other women.
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I genuinely have no idea what it means when someone tells me I’m valid. I don’t feel like I’ve seen that too much here, but yea literally no idea what that means. It seems like a big deal to some people though
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Idk, like the way the word is used definitely changes it from being ok to not ok, specifically the statement that my existence is valid is upsetting. If theyre talking about my reaction to something then thats fine, cause my reactions can be valid or invalid. But my existence isnt any more or less valid than other peoples. Idk, my guiding thing to validity statements is like “my thoughts and feelings are inherrently valid cause im having them, my actions taken and words spoken may or may not be tho”.
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For me, I had so much internalized transphobia from my childhood that my own experience with gender felt illusory or that I had to overcome it somehow. I really dislike the phrase because it is not clear what it means, but I think it’s to address experiences like mine. My feelings are real and they belong to me.
