Important to note: I have OCD, and I seem to have this obsession with the idea of me being transphobic. I am a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I have known this for years, and I try my best to support everyone. I have a lot of trans friends, I love them a lot, and treat them and see them as I would anyone else.
So, I feel like I’m transphobic. Is there any evidence of this? No. I’ve been a vocal supporter about LGBTQ+ rights for years (online), including trans rights, but I’ve recently become increasingly anxious at the thought of me being transphobic.
This likely stems from my questioning of my own gender, often times I feel that I am not quite male, maybe that I’m nonbinary or genderfluid. I mentioned this to my nonbinary friend, and they said “you don’t seem nonbinary”. This sent me spiraling, questioning my own gender and identity, and questioning if I was transphobic for believing that I was nonbinary (or possibly genderfluid, as at times I feel very comfortable being male, but at others I feel a lot more feminine).
At some point, I have to accept the fact that this is delusion, but I still really feel like I need guidance/assurance. I do not really know what to do about this.
(ANOTHER WORRY I HAVE is acting so paranoid and making it seem like I think trans people are going to cancel me and ruin my life if I say anything wrong, like a lot of transphobic people claim and act like. This is NOT AT ALL my intention, but I know I probably come off that way.)
Rule of thumb, you are the only one who gets to decide your gender and how you express it. For example I recently came out as gender-queer (he/they/she). I was born male, and I look masculine. I have no issue with identifying as male, but I found it limiting and not representative of the whole me. On the surface though no one would notice that unless I told them. At least for now. I am working on being more comfortable publicly expressing in more feminine ways. That is to say I don’t “look” gender-queer or non-binary, doesnt make me any less so.
In terms of transphobia, I think you outline exactly why you aren’t transphobic. You treat trans people how they want to be treated, with respect. You are accepting of it, you even identify with it. Unless other people are calling out specific behavior regularly, I wouldnt worry about being considered transphobic. Personally, I found myself wondering how anything you mentioned could be considered transphobic, so take that as evidence that you are not transphobic. Explore your gender identity and dont let others control how you identify or how you express it. Gender expression and identity are two different things and they don’t always line up neatly. The whole point of being queer is not letting others fit you into their narrow boxes.
Thank you for your comment and kind words. Another person on the other post I made mentioned that there are some types of OCD where one is fixated on the fear of doing something taboo, I probably have that, where I am fixated on the fear of being transphobic when I know I am not.
I also seem to have this sort of double standard for myself and for others (if that is the right term). For others, of course nobody else can tell them what their gender is! For me, well, my friend is actually nonbinary so they are the better authority on the matter than I am as a cis man. It is strange and I don’t really know how to get past that. I have been trying to ignore these feelings that I am not fully male, and it is making me insane.
I see plenty of OCD here but no transphobia. You’re OK <3
If you say you’re non-binary, you are. I’ll believe you. And hopefully everyone else here will too.
And if it turns out later that you’re not, that’s cool too.
And if you were doubly mistaken and you actually are? No problem. We can go on as long as you like, and you’re not harming anybody.
I just struggle with not feeling that I am transphobic, but all the kind people here have made me feel more confident and my fear is weaker now. :))
Questioning your own gender is never transphobic, quite the opposite really.
Your friend is wrong, “seeming” like one gender or another to other people doesn’t matter in the slightest. I’m a trans woman, I’m not overly feminine or butch either way, some people see me as male, some see me as female. It doesn’t matter what their opinion is, the only ones that does is my opinion that I feel like and am a woman. I don’t understand the feeling of being non-binary or genderless, but that doesn’t mean it’s not valid or real to the people that do.
Other trans/nonbinary people don’t get a vote for what your gender is just because they figured theirs out before you, or if you fit their predefined notion of what arbitrary traits represent each gender. If you feel like you’re somewhere in between genders then you are, if you feel like your neither then you are. Gender is made up, it’s just a concept humans developed because we like to organize things into simple little boxes. Black or white, up or down, girl or boy. But reality is rarely ever that clear cut or simple. It’s messy and subjective. So if you feel like presenting a certain way, then go for it, everyone else be damned.
Thank you for your kind words.
It is very strange and foreign for gender to be put that way, compared to other things like black and white where most things are not so objective, it is a bit confusing for me to read it, but it makes so much sense! All of the people around me in my life do believe in gender being strictly binary (and that God created gender for the human), but this thinking makes so much more sense to me.
Do you know how to change my mindset, so I can tell myself I may not be a cis man fully without me thinking that I am transphobic for having these thoughts?
Just trust in your own intuitions, and if something feels right, go with it. Experiment, try out different cloths or hairstyles, just have fun with it. If you decide you don’t like something after giving it a try, then oh well, try something else. Just find what works for you and makes you happy.
I can’t do that in real life very much, I still need to look and dress masculine. I have longer hair to shoulders, but that is as much as I can do, and if I start dressing less masculine, the people in my life will be becoming suspicious.
You can do all this in private to see how you feel about it. Most trans an nonbinary people experiment in private before ever coming out publicly.
Your friend should not have said that - gender is internal, it can’t “seem” a certain way to others.
Also, I know I am transphobic, but only to myself, so… …it’s fine?
Am I transphobic to myself?
You would know that better than me. Do you tell yourself transphobic narratives about how you’re not really nonbinary because [TERF argument insert here]?
I tell myself I am not nonbinary because my nonbinary friend said so, and them as a real nonbinary person are a better authority on subject than me as a cisgender man. (I know this logic is flawed but I cannot change my thoughts that easily even when I know this is not logical.)
What does being nonbinary mean to you, specifically?
Well, how most people define it as the gender identity that is not strictly the man or the woman.
The way that I thought I was, before my friend told me otherwise, was that I was mostly male but had some not binary elements in the gender? (Apologies for the bad English.) Like, sometimes I feel very masculine and I like looking and being seen as male, but other times I feel much less masculine and I want to wear things like skirts and paint my nails and have the long hair.
So is it about liking different things at different times for you, then? Like, how you feel about your gender expression changes over time?
Also, how do you feel about your body? When you like expressing yourself more feminine, do you mind your body being masculine at all, or is it purely the presentation part of gender?
It changes very often, like some days I feel like a man and some days I feel less like a man and some days I feel barely like a man.
I have never actually expressed myself femininely outside of growing out my hair (which many people in my life dislike.). I do not mind having a masculine body, I would prefer it over a feminine body, I just wish I could express myself differently sometimes when I want to.
If you examine the claim “you don’t seem nonbinary”, it falls apart so quickly. What does a nonbinary person seem like? It’s not some a static third gender, it’s a broad term that includes a lot of folks who present very differently to one another. It’s really a very silly thing to say.
Trans imposter syndrome is real and it affects so many of us. There’s a book that helped me a lot called “Am I Trans Enough?” by Alo Johnston. Basically echoing the others that you’re the only person who gets to decide who you are. This book helped me sit with the questions about my gender identity and really feel my way through them.
You’re feeling the way a lot of us have at some point in our lives. You’re not alone in these feelings I promise. Good luck on your journey.
Thank you so much :)))
a lot of people pointed out, that it is not other peoples beer to define you.
i’d like to add: it might be helpfull to try out different expressions. are you happier when presenting fem? or masc? or do you find peace when expressing as neither (or both)? whatever that means in detail. does it change over time?
i really had to deduce from that for years. back then i figuered i was probably enby. i didn’t like being a man but also was afraid of identifiying as a women. i didn’t even adopt the nb label, bc i felt like an intruder.
only later i started to develop a feeling for myself. while still not sure where i’ll end up. but def transfem! so i identified as that, when i found out. the exploration only intensified after that point, but it wouldn’t have happened, had i not allowed myself to play around first. i also had a lot of internalised transphobia to overcome, to get to a point at which i allowed myself to want to express a certain way.
so for me this holds true: doing gender > contemplating gender
I don’t have any way to express it unless online, but I don’t know how to do that, and what I want is my expressions to be with my appearance. Here I stop.
