10 year old me would be extremely disappointed in my Christmas lights.

I should have Clark W. Griswold level lights, but with colors and blinking lights.

Instead I put up all plain white lights along the windows and doors and a wreath like a reasonable person.

It’s so much work as an adult with adult responsibilities to find time to hang lights, and even worse when you have to take them down.

I am ashamed.

Life gets worse. Much worse. And you will survive and even find happiness. And everything you needed, you had it all along.

That I’m a runner. Never in my life did I imagine ever enjoying running. Aiming for my first marathon in spring!

That i don’t believe in god anymore. My family was very religious growing up

not a lot, ive always been fucked up & hella gay. although im not racist anymore, so thats good. LOL (although i mightve expected to have real friends still) What a sad life.

That I’m pregnant. I was a tomboy and very masculine. This is as far away from masculine as I can be at least in a physical sense. It’s not as bad as I thought.

That for all intents and purposes, I beat depression. And here’s me knocking on wood to not jinx that.

The girl 10 yo me was hanging out with all the time, very much thought I was going to marry (she did too) and eventually took my virginity a few years later is now an incredibly handsome man with a wife and kids

Its probably that, honestly. Maybe that I’ve spent a month and a half of my life in Japan so far, that’s p wild for a 20 year old and I’d never have even considered it then

My job…

10 year old me would be amazed

21 year old me would call me a sell out

30 year old me would nod approvingly

Current age me is getting too old for this shit

That I am a girl now. Seems to be a common pattern şn the comment section 💀

That I’m on a computer programming all day for my job.

That I’m on a computer programming all night for fun.

That I rarely play video games anymore.

Probably that I’m alive?

I already dealt with (undiagnosed) chronic depression by 10. The first time I thought about killing myself I don’t think I even knew the word “suicide.” I also had an overwhelming sense that I wouldn’t live past 30. That might not have started until I was 11 or 12, but I think it was there when I was younger.

Weirdly my mom also had an overwhelming sense that she would lose me at a young age from the day I was born, which she didn’t have with my older sister.

Well, I’m past 30 now. My love of people in my life has kept the suicidal ideation to only that. While I still have chronic depression, I’ve learned to manage it better over the years and medication helps.

I genuinely don’t know why I was depressed or had suicidal thoughts that young. I didn’t have a traumatic home or childhood. My parents worked a lot but loved me and my sister without question. We didn’t have a lot of money but always had enough food. I loved school and had great teachers. I wasn’t sexually assaulted before I was 10 (I think I was 12 the first time). I don’t know and that bothers me.

ETA: I guess I was bullied at school by 10, so maybe that accounts for it?

Probably that I haven’t killed myself yet. That’s not a joke.

That I’m a girl now. Would have blown their mind that it was even possible. But then would have been disappointed in me for not having made a video game yet.

So many things! But mostly that I have a lot of wonderful friends. I was a pretty lonely child, awkward and uncool.