there is definitely some groups i have observed of trans femmes online who fetishise their (obviously valid) suffering and trauma to an extreme point where getting better isn’t really seen as a goal anymore. i think at that point there is a problem.

Sorry if this is ignorant, but I suspect that a lot of marginalised groups are gonna feel like this. I suspect that there’s a lot of back and forth between self care and doing what you can for the community. It’s not your fault that the world traumatised trans people, and it’s probably not your responsibility to fix other trans people. Do what you can when you can.

You might feel an urge to care for younger people at you get older and get more experience navigating bullshit. In the meantime, there’s no need to break your mental health right this second. You have many decades on this earth in which you can offer support to young struggling people, there’s no rush.

gasp she’s back! Your effortposting helped me a lot as I started my transition about a year ago. A lot of things have changed since then, mostly for the better.

I’m sure that you know this, but we can only do so much as individuals in our community. We have to pick our battles, and I find that our positivity regarding the trans experience is really powerful stuff already.
I have not transitioned all that long in the scheme of things, but long enough that I begin to see what your talking about here, and I think this is an issue a lot of older trans people face. I mean older in time since their transition. Transitioning is hard, exhausting, infuriating, as well as so many incredible things. Undoubtedly, the best decision that I have ever made. It’s also not something we choose lightly, for many of us, myself included, it’s something we choose out of desperation or a place trauma. As those wounds heal, a lot of don’t want to be reminded of how it felt when they were healing.

It is a lot of emotionable labor and responsibility to take on.

Yeah, my own experience has been pretty much the same. After about a year on HRT I hit a point where I realized I’d actually hit the point where I was ok and it all stopped being this big scary painful thing that was all ahead and I was left with just normalcy while at the same time getting burned out by the constant trauma and drama of support-focused trans spaces, and nearly a decade on from there I’ve just progressively retreated further into more stable groups where everyone is mostly fine and away from the sort of chaotic drama of some trans spaces.

And I feel guilty about that too, even though I know that I couldn’t be of much help anymore because my perspective now is so profoundly alien to what a new transitioner faces and feels, and all the memories of those early years of fear and dysphoria and pain have faded away to the point that I can’t even draw on that experience for perspective anymore. Maybe that’s the sort of thing that just has to be left to people who are neck deep in it for one reason or another, either the more put-together people who are still early on and going through it themselves, or the long-term activists and professionals who stick around and remain experts instead of letting the knowledge fade with time.

The rest of can’t have an obligation to fill a role we can no longer fill. I was once on top of the most up-to-date transition resources and a font of information on all related topics for anyone who needed it, but I’ve since forgotten most of it and haven’t kept up with anything newer; I once thought I could bear the weight of everyone else’s trauma on my shoulders and be a beacon of optimism and conviction to support them, but I’ve long since burned out and hit the point where my mind shuts down and goes blank when confronted with someone who’s suffering. I feel guilty about that, I’ll probably always feel guilty about that, but what can I even do? Other people can do the job better and I know from experience that I just can’t endure it myself, so I’ve just moved on. We have a right to get on with our lives.

I really empathise with having more energy to comfort/ encourage/ build community at an earlier point of my transition, and I honestly really enjoyed wallowing in the sadness and self loathing at points, hell I used to enjoy arguing with terfs. I was insufferable.

Its worth keeping in mind that for it to have aged badly for you, things have gotten a little easier for people. Serano would have been in her late thirties when she wrote this, and only 5 years since she’d started transitioning. I’m in a similar situation and if I sat down and wrote anything for you, I tell you what, it’d be a sappy semi-poetic disaster, full sad girl hours.

People clipping this part for #\content today is pretty ick though, the worlds different, I know trans people who have lived as trans basically their whole life, Im happy for them, they almost seem well adjusted, but I cant relate. I actually almost have a nice time hanging out with younger trans people cause they help me feel almost well adjusted too.

You can remind people spoiling/content warning sad posts is in the code of conduct. Or report this shit so mods see it. Obviously you gotta do what you gotta do, but blocking people doesnt let them know, I’m thinking that user you mentioned wont even see this post (almost funny).

I think if you want to ensure that baby queers have community with people who can support them as they figure themselves out, you need to look at how communities remain healthy in general. Situated Learning and communities of practice make for a good model imo, where the practice in this case is the practice of transitioning and of being trans. This is based mostly on Lave & Wenger 1991. You need old timers as a store of knowledge and you also need newcomers to offer fresh perspectives. It’s very dialectical that way. Trans support communities aren’t lacking in newcomers, but that doesn’t mean that any particular old timer needs to stick around. Old timers come and go. The continued existence and function of the community implies that there are enough old timers doing their work for the purposes of the group, at least on some level. If you’re observing dysfunction in the trans groups here, that’s one thing and worth calling out. But if your absence hasn’t disrupted the functioning of the community, I think you’re safe to step away as needed.

I think this problem is compounded by the fact that queer people in general haven’t had this modeled for us very well. Older queer people are just more rare thanks to the AIDS epidemic, suicide, murder, etc. I love the queer boomers I follow on TikTok. But their function is also very different from someone who’s in the trenches providing support to individual pre-transition trans people. I think it’s all valuable and that whatever you decide to do, you can find a balance that’s valuable. Because even if all you can do is distance yourself and self-care, that’s valuable too. Because you’re part of the community and your well being is just as important as mine.

I think there’s already a lot of good advice here but like, as someone who is a huge fan of the Halimede account, I do want to talk about the passage you posted. The excerpt kinda sounds like a halimede tweet because the performance of the halimede account is inspired strongly by Serano and Whipping Girl. And I agree that it’s a waay of overly centering suffering into the trans experience… when I look into another trans woman’s eyes, I really don’t tend to see that. I’d say more than sadness I see a spark of possibility, and a lot of joie de vivre, even if it’s buried. I don’t think I’m a fan of this passage either

shit is tiring and people can only bear so much on their own

effort posting is for when you have the capacity for that effort and you shouldn’t feel guilty for the times that you don’t, because the world’s suffering isn’t your burden to bear at all times

Good to see you again!

I’ve definitely run into the same issues with people venting pain into the void and finding it difficult to be around at times. It’s also really weird personally to be seen as like an elder by some people when I feel like I’m also still just starting myself.

I can empathize pretty strongly with wanting to distance yourself from those who wallow in or fetishize their own sadness. A few years back my friend group as a whole did a bit of restructuring because we were tired of so many things being centered on the struggles in life. It just gets exhausting, like being stuck under a cloud of negativity.

From the start of my self-discovery I’ve tried to keep the mindset of “following the joy”. There’s too many things in this life that are fucked, why does one of the most important and most personal things in my life have to be as well?

The passage is dreadfully written by someone attempting to sound profound

I think there’s a real deficit narrative around the trans existence - while there are very real struggles, the sum total of a person can’t be boiled down to their “inconsolable sad” eyes

Ive been transitioned for about 15 years now and went through a period where I was just absent from trans communities. I came back later.

You’re free to come and go as it suits you. Time spent away is valuable, even if and when you come back

This is one of those things that truly is difficult. I know I have struggles of my own in the community as well, and this is one that I do share with you. I am a generally happy woman. On occasion, I do have bouts of dysphoria, but they’re not very often. Sometimes when I do step into the mega, it is like stepping into a minefield. There are things mentioned there that trigger the fuck out of me. Such as one thing that happened a couple weeks ago that my brain will just not fucking let go. So it can be rough. I make this risk because I have a strong, what I call, motherly instinct and I have a strong innate desire to help people, especially baby trans. The things mentioned in there can be especially bad and sometimes I do disappear. And you know what? That’s healthy. It means that I’m managing my own mental health. You should do the same for yourself. When things are getting to be too much, it’s perfectly fine to step away into whatever space is safe for you. I don’t think anyone could possibly blame anyone for managing their own mental health. So, in my eyes, there really is no silver bullet for powering through the rough times. Not that I can see at least. Just be sure to take care of yourself at the end of the day. Seriously.

On that note, I apologize if I’ve affected you in the past. I know I’ve traumadumped once or twice in the mega. I know I personally do it to seek advice, cause I’m sure I’m not the only person out there that has experienced such things. It’s something I need to be more cognizant of.

Liking a certain demographic of people because they’ve struggled seems perverse.

This image is sort of the liberal fascination with suffering. They love the idea that all the minorities they adulate for are little Jesus figures that can be painted with a big brush as ‘so strong for overcoming adversity’. Adversity is obviously not foisted upon a group of people evenly, so its just yet another generalization against a minority group (even if the liberal themselves is a minority). And of course, no one wants to deal with adversity. And it feels like it sort of jumps over the people that weren’t ‘strong’ enough to be the steely eyed Jesus figure.

You see, i like being in community with other trans people. I’m at home there, i’ve made friends there, found lovers there. It’s where i belong. As long as i stay within my own bubble. As soon as i step out of it, i immediately get bombarded with unsolicited trauma dumps, dysphoriaposts out of a 4chan hellhole and a trainload full of internalized transphobia. Everything is a trigger for me. I cannot safely navigate most trans spaces anymore because the people there just drag me down. I logged in yesterday after a long hiatus and looked into the trans megathread and the first thing i had to do was block a user for her unspoilered loathing of the trans existence. I don’t know how to handle this anymore. I used to be the kind of woman who writes big effortposts about self acceptance and how to figure yourself out and how to begin navigating systems of medical gatekeeping, but the further i go along in my own transition, the further i am removed from making these early experiences myself, the less i have it in me to unpack all that needs to be unpacked when baby trans yell their pain into the void.

This is an issue with a lot of trans spaces. People really need to cw / spoiler their comments. A lot of new transitioners often go full hog on trauma dumping, which they haven’t been able to do before. Its important to make sure these people feel welcome, but its also important that they understand that other people have worked very hard on their traumas, and the dumping can cause those to resurface in others when they aren’t expecting it.

I’ve been involved in the trans community for so long that its become a very obvious cycle to observe. New transitioners are very excited, emotionally and with their trauma, to participate in something they’ve suppressed for so long. But after a certain point, they mature, they learn how to handle their trauma, and they check out of the community. I think its important to understand this cycle so that we can keep the community from fragmenting into multiple parts as people age and heal.