What should I do if I don’t have anything to enjoy and I don’t have a bright future to work for/ wait it?
As an extra note, I started to hate dealing with humans and I don’t have any friends.
Been in that state a lot. That’s classic depression. Evo-psych has some stupid ideas but their read on depression is solid. That urge to withdraw from society is a human urge. The urge is designed to lead to either, you leaving your band of primates to seek another, or your fellow group members coming and finding you to show how much you matter to them. Modern life doesn’t let that happen though. So many of our relationships are digital or just shallow so no one can tell you’re leaving, and changing your group in a real way is hard. If you want to feel betterment you have to use your rational brain to seek out what your body is instinctively reaching for. Pick something that you have always cared about, and go to a real life event centered on that thing. This can be almost anything, as long as there are real people, really sharing a physical space. Talk to the people about that thing. Don’t do it just to tick it off the list, you have to pay attention to what they are saying because you need to be able to articulate their ideas and then respond to them.
I’ve read through all the replys here, so I’m not gonna suggest something that’s already been suggested. You’ve already given your opinion on therapy, and on changes/new things.
Let me start by telling you this. You say you don’t have a bright future to wait for. My friend, none of us have. Your future is what you make it to be. You set your own course and build your bright future yourself, no one else is gonna do it for you. That’s life, and that’s what makes it beautiful.
If therapy doesn’t work for you, that’s fine. I personally don’t believe in medication for these kinds of issues, but that’s my opinion. Try meditating. Seriously, it does wonders. Start with a few minutes a day and gradually increase, doesn’t have to be hard. It’s gonna make you into the kind of person who takes a step back and thinks about life.
I do agree with others here that it sounds like you need to find your purpose. Purpose isn’t necessarily something you actively look for, sometimes it’s just something that pops into your head. For example when meditating or doing other things that don’t require any active thinking.
Also, one more thing: If you don’t like doing new things, try removing something. Take a digital detox, as I like to call it. I do it from time to time, and I always enjoy it and I come back with renewed energy and motivation for life. Just a few days or a week where you don’t open any social media, digital entertainment (music, streaming, web surfing etc.) or anything else not strictly necessary. You’re gonna be bored first, I’ll tell you that. But then you’re gonna find out how nice it actually is. You’re gonna start craving for something to do, and if the rule of digital detox is set in your mind, you’re gonna start finding new things to fill your time with. Like taking a walk or reading a book. Though it does require determination.
What I like to do when I’m in a digital detox period, is to remove entertainment focused apps from my home screen on my phone, and then put my screen in black & white (called reading mode on some phones) to make it “boring”. That’s definitely gonna help you.
Life is short, please make something out of it, for your own sake.
As others have said, find a professional. It can take alot of tries before you find the right person, but it’s extremely helpful when you find the right person.
As someone with ADHD I also get anxiety with changes in my day-to-day events. My coping mechanism for a while has been coming up with practical contingency plans. That makes it so I at least have an idea of what to do and at what point there is nothing left to do. It’s helped me get through many situations.
As for your future and social problems, those likely need some personal analysis and personal change (professionals are meant to help with this). A lack of future is often not an actual lack, it’s usually a personal failure at seeing other potentials, seeing a new path to follow. It’s sometimes called learned helplessness and can be hard to deal with alone. Becoming antisocial (not wanting any human interaction) is also usually a difficult thing and is usually caused by a personal neuroticism. But we need purpose as humans, and we also need comradery quite often.
Thinking of yourself as a collection of habits can be helpful for this. You should be asking yourself what exactly makes you upset about about other people, and try to relate it to something about yourself.
You can’t change other people, but you can change how you react to other people. Quite often that requires a shift of perspective that acknowledges that you are a biased viewer enterpretting a limited view. Instead of “people talking about themselves are annoying” for example, “I am bothered by people when they talk about themselves” can be more useful. That way, you are talking about the emotional response you have to others rather than the perceived traits of others - your lense is now focusing on you instead of on others.
That’s all I’ve got. The path to being content is difficult, and I wish you luck.
There’s a meme in Norway for this where professionals always ask “did you try hiking?”
Seriously though did you try hiking? There are no problems in the back country. Or people.
Ain’t a bad idea.
Round about 10 years ago I lived alone in a little cabin in the woods. I didn’t have much in the way of money, didn’t need much of it either. Wood stove, books from the library for entertainment.
Shit, I was way calmer and happier when I lived in the woods.
Therapy
This question is way above Lemmy’s pay grade. I hope your situation gets better. People are right in saying that if self-help fails then it’s time to give professional help another chance if that’s accessible for you.
I do listen to a lot of podcasts and have recently heard something relevant from an expert in the field:
The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos: How to Find Your Purpose
Episode webpage: https://omny.fm/shows/the-happiness-lab-with-dr-laurie-santos/how-to-find-your-purpose
Your post history also indicates that you’re routinely steeped in the worst doom news that social media serves up. It seems like it would be worth taking a break from consuming this material and find alternative ways to spend your time.
See a professional, seriously, because this sounds like textbook early depression.
Sadly, I saw 3 different professionals, it does not work.
I was expecting that they won’t have a magic phrase to say and solve my issues before I go to them and I partially went due to the advice of the people around me.
After going and finding out myself, I can confirm that I was right.
You’re right, there is no magic ‘press button, receive well-adjusted and chemically balanced human being’ button, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep trying. Therapy is a process, especially with medication, psychoactive medication is notoriously fucky with a long adaptation phase and weird side effects, some of which stick around and some of which don’t after a few weeks. A couple weeks of therapy and medication isn’t going to cure anything, give them the time they need to work toward your goal, because the alternative is a deep, dark hole you don’t want to go down. Take it from someone who’s been there, and who is only here now, 30 years later, because someone convinced me to stick with the process.
Therapy takes work, my friend. Professionals can’t help you unless you want help and are willing to work toward change. If you’re expecting some external factor to “fix it for you,” you’re going to be disappointed
Therapy isn’t geared towards men who don’t know how to put their expressions into words. It’s geared towards women. Many professional therapists agree that Therapy is not suitable for all men. Therapy is W.E.I.R.D. Designed around White, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, and Democratic. It’s only one tiny slice of the pie when it comes to human emotions, expression, and the science of psychology - which makes psychology – at best – a pseudoscience.
I would argue that therapy teaches everyone to deal with their emotions and since men have emotions too, therapy is for both. It’s just starting on the back foot with men because we’re taught depending to some extent on age and culture to push them down, bottle them up, and pretend they don’t exist. Some people are better or worse suited for therapy, it is more successful with some people than others, but as a man who would not be alive today if not for therapy, I openly scoff at the idea that therapy is not ‘geared toward men.’ Learning how to put your expressions and emotions into words is a big part of the process, because we think so much in language that having words for the things we feel is really important to recognizing, acknowledging, and addressing those feelings.
As a (male) psychotherapist, I really have to disagree with you on all counts. A common goal in psychotherapy is to learn how to recognize and describe your internal experience. Lots of people struggle with this, men and women. Every single person walks into therapy with a different set of circumstances and a different set of objectives, and I’ve never once heard a single psychotherapist say “therapy is not suitable for all men.” That doesn’t make sense.
Anecdotally, it is true that men seem less likely to approach therapy with willingness. This is a trend I’ve noticed, and is by no means a rule. What this demonstrates is a difference in socialization and acculturation between genders, so that men and women tend to “start” psychotherapy in different places in regards to social/emotional development. But psychotherapy as a discipline is absolutely not geared toward women over men.
Great answer, thank you.
This is sexist af
If you think me pointing out that therapy isn’t designed around how men operate somehow makes ME sexist, you need to step back and evaluate yourself.
Why’d you respond to this guy and not me, who posted a long, professional response ten hours before him? Btw, I agree your take is sexist, because you’re basing your view on stereotypes of men and not on any evidence.
Whether it’s through professionals IRL or strangers on the Internet, it’ll require effort on your part. You’re going to have to want to be an active participant and willing to work on yourself. It will be a process, not a single event.
What does “work on yourself” mean in this context?
Changing habits, thought patterns etc. A therapist can’t do that for you, that’s something you have to do yourself thus “work on yourself”
I am tired from people who talk in wide way that can be applied everywhere and would result in nothing.
To add to this, I was following therapist orders, it did nothing.
That is actually is kind of what I meant when I said that I assumed that they don’t have a magic pharse, meaning that they their orders and pills sadly did not work and I was right in the sense that they were unable to solve my issues as I expected.
For how long? Cause a couple weeks or whatever isn’t going to cut it, it’s a process that can take months or years.
I don’t think it’s a therapist’s job to fix your problems. It’s a therapist’s job to help you figure out how to fix your own problems. If you don’t what that, they will absolutely be useless.
Your therapist should give you tools to change these things that’s why I mentioned them. You have to use them and want to use them (changing your thought patterns). I see this all the time with people coming here who don’t know how to proceed in life anymore and they always dismiss everything that is said to them. You have to want to change, nobody is doing that for you, they can just give you the tools to do so but ultimately it’s up to you.
I was expecting that they won’t have a magic phrase to say and solve my issues
That is a logical expectation because that’s not what they do.
After going and finding out myself, I can confirm that I was right.
Ahh, so, you were expecting them to TRY to fix you with a magic phrase and when the magic phrase never came, you assumed that they had failed.
You got it all backwards. Those people don’t fix you. They teach you, they point you in the right direction, they tell you the things your friends won’t, they ask the questions you’ve been avoiding.
YOU fix YOU.
If the athlete doesn’t show up for the competition, they can’t blame the loss on bad coaching.
Also go to someone who prescribes meds, and take them.
That said, I feel you are right to hate the other humans. They are really, really stupid.
They kept making me try meds, they never work.
They take quite some time to get the full effect. Like it could be a couple of months before you start seeing improvement.
Therapy is a vehicle, and you are the driver. You’re only going to move forward if you drive.
That being said, finding a therapist you work well with is hard, and, in my experience, takes quite a few tries before finding someone with whom you are comfortable.
My suggestion is to find someone who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and literally read this post to them. I’ve had luck using Alma to find a therapist (in the US).
I genuinely hope you are able to work through this - I’ve been there, as have many people. You can do this, and you’re not alone
Change your name and/or pronouns. Half joking, a lot of us live overcast lives as a result of feeling trapped in someone else’s life. If you don’t have friends then what’s there to lose?
Did you try jerking off?
Temporary pleasures don’t fill the void.
It would work for small amount of hours before returning to the void of nothingness.
Maybe smoke a joint.
We should hang out some day.
All you a girl with sweet boobage?!
No, but my wife is! 😏
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Can I hang out with her?
She sounds hot, can I hang out too?
Sure! You like board games? Or retro Nintendo? We got plenty of both!
Goddamn I wish I could. People describe it as pleasurable and then relaxing. But I’ve never been able to do it. It’s like either the nerve endings aren’t hooked up right or there is some sort of brain defect, but I lack the ability for pleasure there, myself.
Sorry, I’m not the OP.
I’m almost afraid to ask, but are you sure you’re doing it right?
I’ve tried various different areas. If there is some sort of secret technique that everyone just magically knows, I could never figure it out.
Without much else to go off of, the best all purpose advice I can give is: lubrication. Best wishes to you!
… what are you working with down there?
Vulva/vagina
Explore.
Be patient with yourself.
Keep exploring.
Keep being patient.
I mean…I’m old enough and have tried on and off for years at this point that that advice isn’t particularly helpful. Maybe if I was in my teens or twenties, sure. But people say things like “oh you’re just a late bloomer” or “oh you’ll just figure it out, it comes naturally” have never been all that helpful to me.
Antidepressants
Antidepressants just make you feel nothing. In many cases it’s worse than not being on them.
You need different antidepressants. I’m on prozac, and it only makes me feel better.
This is not true for plenty of people. Antidepressants saved my life, and I still feel things.
I think that is called the human condition.
If possible, I recommend therapy. Been relying on it for decades and eventually learned to love myself. Everything good in my life now is because therapy helped me become a better person.
Get a dog. Always happy to see you when you get home, will pester you relentlessly into moderate excercise, #1 wingman for meeting friends or significant others.
I owned a dog for brief amount of time.
Trust me, no.
The dog deserve a better human who can stay active with him.
Schedule everything then? If you’re already nothing then suffering through some anxiety to plan something new isn’t much worse than literally nothing right? So plan shit out, and stick to said schedule. Find a hobby where you can meet people you don’t hate? Music, games, fostering kittens, whatever idk.
You clearly need a community. There are millions of them, plenty accepting. Just ideally find a positive one before you end up in a negative one.
Life is like a garden. If you want to sit around and curse at the thistles and weeds, you can, but they will continue to grow as you fixate on them. If you see beauty and follow it, then cultivate it, you will be in a beautiful garden. It’s not instantaneous, and it takes work. The work starts in your mind. Negative thoughts will blind you to good opportunities. If you don’t know where you’re going, any place will get you there. Maybe a good place to start is finding the tolerable humans, and see where it takes you.
